Today I had my appointment for my EMG (test to discover my nerve damage). It was originally scheduled for March 13th, but we switched it to today. Which means my appointment with my neurosurgeon was also fast forwarded by a couple of weeks, to March 18th. How am I feeling??? (Yes, I asked myself The question I hate the most).
I have so many mixed emotions. I discovered that I started bargaining with God. If anything was going to happen, please Lord let there be minimal damage to my nerves from my T1 diabetes, I don't want to be in this much pain the rest of my life. Funny how we start bargaining when things are going wrong (or we feel like they are going wrong).
The last time I really remember bargaining with God was when my daughter was born. It was a difficult time in our life. From day one of her being conceived I was seeing a high risk pregnancy doctor..... because of my diabetes. It's always because of my diabetes. Once I was in the hospital on bed rest (at 23 weeks) the bargaining really began. Every day could have been the day she was born. Every day we heard she could be deaf, blind or have major learning disabilities. I prayed and begged for God if anything happened please Lord let her be deaf. I knew sign language at the time. I was involved in the deaf community and knew I could communicate with her if she was deaf, so instead of praying for our daughter to be healthy (because it didn't seem like that was an option), I prayed He made her deaf. What a weird thing to bargain? Picking which "ailment" is worse and praying for the one that is the best of the options you were told.
Well, here I am again, praying and bargaining with God. Praying and asking for prayers that the damage to my nerves from my T1 Diabetes is minimal so I can have a major surgery? Seems backwards to me and probably to you, but that is what I am asking God.
So, how is surgery the best option to ask God to give me? Who in their right mind would choose brain surgery over nerve damage? Well, me..... All of my life I have worked hard, been someone that will push herself until she accomplishes what she wants. I have never given up. I have learned how to live a new life since the car accident. I have learned how to relax more and take it one day at a time. However, I am completely bored. I am limited to what I can physically do, which means I pace like a lion locked in a cage. Wanting to get out and do things, knowing that the day I decide to do something I will be laying on my couch watching movies for the next two days.
So for me, surgery is the best option if it is going to remove 75% or more of the symptoms I have with chiari-malformation. I understand it is not a cure and that I may have symptoms again, but I have been healing now for three years since the car accident. If I have the surgery what is one more year of healing if the end result of healing means being out of my cage and truly living my life again?
I have grown tremendously in these last three years. I have learned that I can't take care of anyone if I don't take care of myself. I have learned the magic two letter word.... NO. I have learned that it is okay to step away from things if they don't make you happy (or physically hurt me) and how to refocus my energy to things that make me happy. I have learned that for me, it is okay that I take care of myself and when I am doing better I am better for everyone.
So, I will continue to bargain with God that my nerve damage from my diabetes is minimal. I will continue to pray to God that he guides me to where I am supposed to be and do what I am supposed to do not just for me, but for everyone. I ask you, please send your prayers to God that I have minimal nerve damage so I can truly live my life the way He wants me to.
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